That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize