jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
