I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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