The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Randomize
