Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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