I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
