so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
