I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Shame is for Republicans.
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