I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
