You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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