Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
