I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
