My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
