I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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