I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My balls are so social today.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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