either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
