I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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