i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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