Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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