im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize