You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
