dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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