Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
