I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
