I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
