Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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