it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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