I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
