He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
