you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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