I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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