The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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