so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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