I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
