Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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