Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
