i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
