I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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