so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
