It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
