last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
