Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
