Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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