roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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