Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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