i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
