I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
