Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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