um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
