I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
