I'm going to jail i love you
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize