u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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