Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
