I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
