If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
