his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
