I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
