Moan for me like Helen Keller
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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