Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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