oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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