Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
